the irretrievable chance lost, pt.one thousandest something

in these last days before the downfall of the roman empire.
i find it harder to choose. choice is made harder every day. in the days before, we used to have to call each other at home, to talk for hours on end. Now we sit at home, staring at the cell phone. Often it doesnt ring all day. we sit in front of computer screens writing each other emails. We are all always in possible contact, therefor, its possible not to be in touch at all.
blocked. We're afraid of staring each other in the face, afraid of seeing a real person beneath all this facade. Of course it's always been this way. Battles are fought and lost, in the casual nothingness of daily life. You can often cut the air with a knife.
I went hunting to day, I am hunting for a reason to leave, and i've been looking at some of my options. i think of why i haven't left before, and i think i know now. it all just seems so overwhelming. there are so many choices, there are so many places to live. there are so many things one would like to do. It's easier just to do nothing. Ok, i know it might be a bit later than i might have planned, but one has to make ones desire a reality, sometime. I'll leave, but i know there are things i would rather not leave behind. Therefor it is better to think of it as a sort of vacation. I mean in the sense of not being here, but being somewhere else, for a short while.
I've been checking out some options in New York. Yes it is for real. And it is a lot of trouble, insane trouble to even try to do any of this. But I'll just do it anyway. The point is to keep focused on the trail of events, but at the same time keep a distance, as if one would shield himself from realities, biting over each others existence. The trail of destruction becoming ever bigger. one leaves behind. I know. It's never possible to stop at all. Although that is in fact what i've been trying. Not to live, to wait, to wait for something better to come along. It doesnt necessarily come. A disaster.
Well. Anyway, the two schools iðve been applying for are the most expensive ones avaiable. think again! So I've been finding out some other options, for example the school in Brooklyn. Which has a fee of 5000 dollars , in stead of 20000. Its too much i know. But i don't really have a choice except to keep on looking, until I'll eventually find something that works out for me.