the vault. the filthy smell as vile condemned bodies smash together in the pigsty of blood, semen and puke.
i am alone as i crash into theyre bodies all smeared with one anothers shit.
i am feeling quite well today.
where is my brain. not a chance not a chance. insanity.
in my life, i find the suggestion to be true that we live and die many times. already i find myself to have gone through this cycle at least twice. to have built up my "perfect" life only to see it be shattered in the ground a short time later. the wheel of fortune lifting us up to heights of happiness only to smash us down again. simple things are all we need. friendship and love, these things come practically for free, i wonder why it takes so long for them to settle into place. who knows. i havent found for the last several years anything to come in place with what went before. that is, on the topic of love. i had found what i thought was "real". and lost it. now all that i can feel is the void, the lack of what went before. if i ever am to get out i can only go backwards through the puzzle. if what i thought was real was in fact, why did it crumble so easily? a space of a few months, so easily wasted. a binge of happiness followed by weariness. i have spent longer time mourning for what i have lost than the whole thing ever lasted.
we were stupid enough to think we were invulnerable. maybe our relationship wasnt as strong as we thought it was. maybe it wasnt as supernaturally perfect.
i linger on with the memory in the back of my head. it is possible only to move on by not moving on. the wait continues.