the great depression

i'm a better person after my great depression. The great depression is the timespan, of the last 4 years. That is, since, when i got single again. I began by turning my life around by getting a shitty ass job at the mental hospital. I spent a year there. It did not help. Then, I finally, went back to school. It's funny, you know, a lot of good things, have come out of this most miserable time in my life ever, not counting the year i was bullied at school, when i was 12, cause thats different. That was suffering caused by someone else than me. I cannot really say anything about the time, since i finished high school, that its anyone elses blame, how miserable my life has been. Its been a steady downhill. But I think I've hit the bottom already, and the pendulum is spinning back into the other direction.
There was a different feeling in the air, in my early twenties, there was a spirit of 'i can do what ever i want, and fuck you all'. In a bit naive way, because theres only one person thats going to take the consequences, and that is yourself. I felt very unsatisfied, in my passion, in my work. Not with the work itself, but not having the proper ground to relish it upon. I had a lot of girlfriends in my early twenties, when i look back, about 3, and that was all real, at least partly. I haven't felt any real love for the last 4 years, except for my child, which is different. I guess it's just not as easy to fall in love with just about anyone anymore. I mean, the relationships i had were all hopeless, just in a different way.
Brita I met in my exchange deal in Norway. She was pretty OK. I hadnt really had so much sex before, and I was 20, so it was about time. But we didnt really have much to say to each other. so eventually we got bored (after about 3 months). It's funny how terribly heartbroken i was, considering the way we didnt fit together. But that was all different then, she was my only chance up until then, so I thought there wouldnt be anything more. I met Z in my high school the following autumn. She was turning 16 and i was 21, but we had an affair. She won't really admit it though today. We werent a couple, in the way people are couples, but we definetly had something going, it was strong for about a month and a half. It did not matter, but it pulled me out of my depression, and kicked my ass. I fed from it.
Then it was time to finish school.
I didnt feel happy about doing anything but music, so i decided to give it a shot, but i didnt know how. I was still in the jazz school at that point, i knew i didnt want to become a jazz player as a main thing, but basically i just didnt know what else to do, but continue what i was studying. unfortunantly my parents didnt like the idea, and after several months, i was living in an attic, and surviving on unemployment checks. It was in this phase of my life, that i met Maarit. I thought she would save me, and make me a happy, functional part of society, but thats not the way it went. She was just as depressed and angry as me. I was still as unsatisfied in my situation. The time that we lived together, at least the first months, is probably my only encounter with happiness, but still there was just too much wrong with us. I mean by that, that we were young, and we hadnt gotten alot of things decided in our minds.
In that time of my life, i took everything for granted. My parents, my health, my craziness, i believed it would all be alright. Unfortunantly thats not the way life is. Even when i had a girlfriend and had a brief chance of actually being happy, i was still sinking deeper into a nasty way of thinking.
Back then it was so different. I though I had all the answers for my own life. There was just one way, and i knew exactly which way that was.

But everything is different now. They strip away your skin, layer by layer. until theres nothing left but your bones. I don't take anything for granted anymore. Thats why i feel so depressed. But I'm also a better person for it.

I'm still in the belly of the beast. But I know there will come better days. Something will happen. Something will come. I can feel it.