oh well, nevermind

i met my ex the other day. she actually moved back to iceland. she's been in finland for two years now, living her normal life. well it was nice seeing her again, or something. we had been in contact since last new year. i had broken off contact with her for one and a half year before that. about a year before that, we broke up. it's been a while! but i'm still single, at the moment, at least. alhtough i have been here and there. more about that later. anyway, she told me she had already lost interest in the whole thing all those years ago. she had just been afraid to admit it. and whatever happened in the relationship, it was her fault also, she just didnt want to admit that either. oh well. could've mentioned it though. we had kept the possibility of getting back together open, as she insisted she didnt really feel like leaving me. i don't know how serious i was about that possibility though. but it definitely changed things for me. the way i have thought about things all this time. i mean it functions as some sort of background processing, something you've never quite finished, and therefore keeps on existing in your mind, and tormenting you.
funny about this thing, it exists only within me. she destroyed the pictures we took. i might have one picture of her, which she gave me sometime. my social envirionment, she never wanted to take part in that. sure people noticed this girl that was always with me. but none of my friends actually knew her, although we were together over a year. which is sort of wierd. then she didnt really want me to go out of the house, so i got a bit isolated.
its just funny, cause, makes me think my life couldve been just the same if this would never have been. but it still is, and remains, at the core of things. a point between a and b where i was at peace. a point to measure against.
i always go through a few weeks of depression after meeting her, but since this is now closed, i have been feeling much better, my energy is being restored.

fuck the clutter of the past and all the people in it. erase. ok. goodbye.